The pain is so enormous

November 13, 2014

The pain is so enormous.

I had a dream the other day that someone had stolen my minivan and trashed it. John wasn’t a big part of the dream, but in it he wasn’t dead. I woke up and thought “Oh, it was a dream! My minivan isn’t trashed, woohoo!” but then I realized “Oh right… that means John’s dead.” I’d be happy to have a trashed minivan, if it meant that I could have my husband back.

I read this book a while ago called The Lovely Bones. In it a 14 yr old girl is brutally raped and murdered. For years her soul floats above the earth, looking down, watching how life unfolds for her family during their time of grief. There was a boy she loved before she died. He loved her too but they hadn’t connected yet. Eventually, years after her death, her soul came down and entered the body of a mutual friend so that she could have just one night to be with this man who had pined for her ever since she died.

I often fantasize that this could happen, fantasize that John could come down from the sky for just one day so that I could touch his beard, look into his eyes, and melt into him one last time. Heck, forget one full day – I’d give anything for just one moment with him. I ache for him every second of every day.

Last night I spent a bit of time sitting up on our roof. John and I used to go up there often after the kids were in bed. It always felt like a little sanctuary away from it all – up above all the other houses around. We would sit in a wooden loveseat, sometimes with a blanket, and chat. It was our special time 1:1 time. It was a ritual that we adored. Last night I sat there on one side of the loveseat, wishing he was with me. I set an intention to open to him, to welcome him, and then – after a few moments, his soul floated down and joined me. He looked at me with those soft, crinkly, adoring eyes and told me that he loves me and is proud of me. He told me how much it means to him that I have stood by him this whole time. It means so much to him that I continue to honor his path as a Mountain Man and that I don’t have a shred of anger towards him for pursuing his dreams, even though it is these dreams that ultimately led to his death. He told me that he’s so sorry for all of the burdens I must carry and that he doesn’t judge me for one second ever as I navigate my journey of grief, because he knows this path is SO hard and that I’m just trying to keep breathing. I wept and told him that I honor his path and will stand by him until the end of time. And then, just like that, he was gone, and his soul flew back to circle above Mt Rainier, which is where he resides most of the time with the rest of the mountain spirits.

John – I love you forever. Thank you for always being there to comfort me, even in your death.

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