October 16, 2014
Apparently Isabella and I aren’t grieving so differently.
Yesterday, she was home sick from school with a bad stomach ache. I let her lay in bed and read all day, which is what she wanted to do. Then in the evening (while I was at a kindergarten parent meeting and the kids were with Ash) she lashed out at Melanie when Mel was playing some music. She didn’t want Mel to play the music, Mel wouldn’t stop, Iz threatened to rip up some of Melanie’s pictures and also wrote a nas…ty note telling Mel that she hates her and wishes they weren’t sisters, etc. Ash did her best to resolve things, but frankly Iz seemed hell bent on being mad.
When I got home that night and found out what had transpired, I was very upset and frustrated. I scolded Isabella for treating Melanie that way. Then, after the scolding, I got in bed and cuddled with her. A lightbulb went on. I asked her if she had been extra sad about John that day. She somberly said that she had been crying about him all day. I told her that, on my end, I was pretty numb for a few months and that as the numbness wears off, the greif gets bigger. I told her how my pain is only growing, not shrinking. She said that’s true for her too. We bonded and cuddled for a while.
This morning she said she was still sick. I let her stay home. After dropping Melanie off for school I thought to myself “If she is grieving similarly to me, then maybe I should offer her some of the soothing remedies that have helped me.” You can’t take away the grief, but I’ve found, for me, that having a bit of fun and indulging in simple pleasures helps me to have breif breaks from the grief, helps to bring in a little bit of lightness to counter the ocean of darkness that isn’t going away any time soon.
So, even though she was “home sick”, and even though I have a policy that you don’t get to go out and do fun things if you are skipping school, I decided that I was going to indulge her. I cancelled all of my yoga classes for the day, took her shopping for new shoes, took her to Gamma Ray Games to buy new Magic The Gathering cards, and took her out to lunch at her favorite resteraunt (Octo Sushi). Then, we made a pact to not tell Melanie so that she wouldn’t get jealous.
By the afternoon, she was all smiles. I asked her if she was going to be well enough to go to school tomorrow, and she said yes!
Isabella – I’m not perfect, but I love you and I am always there for you