September 3, 2014
This past weekend I took my girls out camping on our land in Okanogan. I was pretty darn proud of myself! I packed up the campervan for a 5 day trip and managed the 5 hr drive with 2 kiddos and zero meltdowns – all solo. I cried a lot but wasn’t paralyzed by my sadness. I could have waited until the next day and driven out with friends who were joining me, but I chose to go that first night alone.
When we arrived it was after dark. The girls couldn’t even run around and p…lay, but still they were SO thrilled to be there! They said “Mama, I love you” unprompted, over and over, which is what they do when they are feeling bright and happy.
I put them to bed and then sat out by the fire pit alone. I didn’t actually light a fire, as cows had kicked the fire pit stones around and I figured I would rebuild it in the morning. So I sat there, in the dark, alone, gazing up at the beautiful stars. Then it hit me – I was NOT alone. John was right there with me. I began to cry and his soul wrapped it’s arms around me. He thanked me, over and over, for taking the girls out to the land, for continuing to raise them as he would want me to raise them, for going camping and hiking with them even though it’s so much harder to do now that he is gone. I was swept away by all of the love that he showered on me in that moment. John is the one man who has looked to the depths of my soul, seen every single flaw for what it truly is, and has loved me just the same. I realized that, even though John is dead, he will always be there for me. I will never lose his overflowing, unending, unconditional love. So, while his energetic arms were wrapped around me, I leaned my head on his chest, sobbed, and let him comfort me. He stroked my hair, soothed me, and told me he was proud of me for being so strong for our girls.
The rest of the weekend was actually pretty fun! Nika taught me how to use the chain saw. John used to do all the chain sawing and I was determined to learn now that he is gone. In fact, everyone got into lumberjacking and Iz is now determined to get her own axe for Christmas! We hiked, cooked over the fire, and in general enjoyed being out in the woods. Thanks, John, for watching over us so lovingly.