September 9, 2014
What a difficult week I had last week! I was horribly sick, it was the first day of school for Iz (so many happy moms and dads, but no John), death certificates arrived, beer making supplies arrived for John (things he backordered before he died), hours of paperwork, the call that the urn was ready, having to go to a Kindergarten picnic plus 2 kids Drs appointments right after hearing about the urn, and more. Plus, I m…iss him. A very, very hard week.
This week has been somewhat better. I hiked into and around the Pratt Lake basin with Eva Luna (12mi, 45lbs). Hiking always helps me. Gurgling brooks, stomping boots, Ellie’s paws galloping, the wind in the trees, and the sweet love of a good friend…. it all soothes me. I continue to become more aware that this will be a very long process. I guessed, in the beginning, that it would take a year to find a rhythm with the girls, to not be so completely wrecked and heart-sick, to not feel like I’m barely treading water in my ocean of grief. The professionals I have seen have said – “More. More than a year.”
I am incredibly lucky to have my beautiful children. Isabella had her first practice with the Seattle Climbing Team yesterday (the competitive team at SBP). She was SO excited and was alive with joy afterwards. Then later that night, I asked her for a hug while I was crying. Without missing a beat she said “Mama, have some chocolate. You will feel better.” Earlier this evening I was laying down in my bed, feeling very sad. Melanie ran in, full of light, jumped on the bed, and said “Yay! Lets cuddle! I love you so much!”. Just like that, I was reminded that my life is full of so much joy alongside the sadness.
The grief is so big, I don’t know where to put it all. I truly adored him. Every fiber of my being aches for him every moment of every day. My children and my community keep me going. Thank you.